If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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