I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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