Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
