oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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