We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
