Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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