So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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