mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
