That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize