Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
