well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
