Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
