Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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