just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
