the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
handjob tips. give me some.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
