if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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