I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize