Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
