If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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