I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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