my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
