Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
