remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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