I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
