stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
