3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
