Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
