So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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