No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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