why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
