you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
