I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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