I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
