I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize