Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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