in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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