I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
