Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
