I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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