Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
