Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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