so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
