Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize