just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
