Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
