worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize