I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
