He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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