Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize