watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
