Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
