dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
