is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
