Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize