I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
