note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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