so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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