when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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