The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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