It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
