Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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