I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize