i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
