just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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