I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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