I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
